How To Argue Ineffectively

Here's How:

1. Think of the other person as your opponent. Effective arguments tend to involve listening skills, finding common ground and common values, mutual respect, and other sissy stuff. Don't waste your time with any of that. The best way to argue ineffectively is to go at it with the attitude that the argument is a fight. Always fight to win.
2. Look for hidden motives so that you can tell your opponent what s/he really thinks. For example: If you're arguing in favor of abortion rights, your opponent is really secretly trying to control women's sex lives--this "pro-life" crap is just a ruse. But if you're arguing against abortion rights, then your opponent is a soulless hedonist who would rather kill babies than keep his or her fly zipped. If you're arguing for school funding, your opponent is secretly a racist; if you're arguing against school funding, your opponent is secretly trying to brainwash kids and turn them into atheists. Et cetera.
3. If you seem to agree with your opponent on the fundamentals of an issue, look for indicators that your opponent is really a traitor and a hypocrite. Your opponent may claim to oppose animal cruelty, but does s/he eat meat or drink milk? Your opponent may talk a good game on race relations, but does s/he pay too much attention to the white media? The key to arguing ineffectively is to look for things you don't have in common with your opponent, then use those things to prove that your opponent is a sociopath.
4. Embarrass your opponent at every opportunity so that it's impossible for your opponent to agree with you on anything without being completely humiliated, dominated, and beaten. Do not allow compromise. Do not accept statements of respect. If your opponent shows any indication that he or she might be shifting viewpoints on an issue, highlight the fact and treat it as a sign of weakness.
5. Always make it personal. If your opponent disagrees with you on an issue, he or she is a bad person--and should be made to realize that fact. If the conversation gets friendly, real dialogue becomes possible. Avoid real dialogue at all costs.
6. Never accept anything less than your opponent's complete and unconditional surrender. Don't buy any of that "I respect your point of view" or "you've given me a lot to think about" foolishness--that's a cop-out. Remember: If you leave room for your opponent to step away and think about something and change his or her mind without losing face, s/he very well might--and if your opponent changes his or her mind, then you have failed to make an ineffective argument.

Tips:

1. Anything worth saying is worth screaming.
2. There's never a bad time to have an argument.
3. Don't bother trying to persuade people. Winning is what matters.
4. Always make sure you get the last word in.
5. If all else fails, threaten to sue.